Oh come on, Jenny, come to Dewsbury, do. Get on that plane and fly from Ohio. I want to take you to Dewsbury Market (http://www.yorkshiremillmile.com/market.htm) and buy you warm pork pies from Elliot’s Butchers, then walk you past Toffee Smith’s so you can smell the sugar from the thousand and one bags of boiled sweets. Wednesday and Saturday are full on market days, so over 300 stalls to inspect then, and if you like we can go back on Friday, when the secondhand market runs, so we can buy bric-a-brac galore and search for your out of print titles on the bookstalls.

You like a bit of bling and fabric, so you’ll love the Asian dress shops, and the glittery shoes at Unze, and while we’re up that end of town we can call at the Indian kiosk, at the bottom of the Kingsway arcade, which always has the heavenly smell of onion bhajis and samosas wafting forth. Yes, I know you want to see the Poison Garden at Alnwick Castle (http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,3604,1185676,00.html) and we will drive up to Northumberland to see it but mainly I want to show you Dewsbury.

It’s an old textile town – also known in the past as a shoddy town – so not glamorous, but we have a nice Victorian town hall and a few of the old mills have been preserved (http://www.answers.com/topic/shoddy-jpg). There is plenty of history round and about – the parish church is very old and is built on the site where St Paulinus is reputed to have preached when he came to convert the north early in the 7th century, and there is also an old and very lovely church up the road in Thornhill, where a Civil War battle took place. We can see the ponies (I’m campaigning for Doris’ foal to be called Jenny, if we get a filly), go for lots of walks, and buy ice cream from Charlotte’s ice cream parlour.

But mainly I want to show you the market and the pork pies.